" HE CHEATED...NOW WHAT"???

Over the past few days, I have spoken with a myriad of women trying to figure out what to do when a relationship with a man has gone sour. From constant arguments to infidelity, relationships are suffering and because of "LOVE", people are deciding to stay in hurtful situations or leaving situations that could possibly be fixed. Hurt comes when we have certain expectations for a situation that are not met or standards that are compromised. For the next week, I will write about relationship woes. Today let's start with infidelity. What do you do when you have found out that your mate has engaged in a relationship outside of the one that you two are involved in? Your first instinct would say to leave but, let's be realistic ladies, it makes no sense to leave, yet, still worry about what he's doing, constantly call him crying, or say that it's over unless you truly are ready to let go. Initially, it is only natural to feel betrayed but, don't just wallow in pity over it. Pray for peace, be determined to forgive, and make a decision about where this person stands as far as being in a relationship is concerned. Unless, the other woman is a relative or close friend, there is no need to lash out at her because,simply she had no commitment to you. As for your mate, there are certain things we need to find out does he even intend to stop the relationship with the other woman? Does he want to continue a relationship with you? Can this relationship be healed? Can you forgive? Let's be honest ladies, just because you "want" to be in a relationship, doesn't always mean that you should. At this point, it's time for a break, which means you take time to be by yourself and really reevaluate the relationship. If you need to cry, cry. Write down a list of pros and cons of the relationship. Write down a list of great things about yourself. Don't allow yourself to believe that he was unfaithful because of something that you did or didn't do, it had nothing to do with you. Take a serious look at the overall relationship, if infidelity is a pattern, this probably is an indication that your mate is not ready for a committed relationship and you can't force him. The best thing you can do is acknowledge this and decide whether or not you are willing to deal with this type of behavior. Keep in mind, that not only is your heart in jeopardy but, so is your physical well being. Sex kills. After spending time alone to gather yourself, to pray and ask God for direction, and to really figure out if you want to be with this person and can forgive, then you should ask what his intentions are for you and him. If his goal is to work on what you had there has to be some clear communication on what is expected. Don't just start where you left off, there has to be changes. Tell him what you want, don't just assume that he knows. You may find he is not as willing to work on rebuilding the trust you once had and that can save you both time and added heartache. If you truly aren't ready to forgive, take the time you need to do so. Explain to him that you need time, this is a great way to see if he serious about the relationship, a man that wants to be with you genuinely will do whatever it takes to fix what he has done. Take notice, if when you tell him you need time to work some things out and to make sure you are capable of handling and truly forgiving him does he use this time to "do  him". This is a tell tale sign that he is simply not ready for a monogamous relationship. One of the biggest mistakes women make is saying we forgive and continuing in a relationship yet, constantly bring it up. If you can't forgive or trust him, let the relationship go. Infidelity isn't aways a deal breaker but, it is a RED FLAG that your relationship is in big trouble. The question is can the relationship survive and is it worth saving? Join me tomorrow as we discuss, the "OTHER WOMAN" . Please feel free to comment or ask questions as this is a open forum.

"IF IT DON'T FIT-DON'T BE AFRAID TO QUIT"

Why are so many women single yet, are in a committed relationship? What causes so many long term relationships not to advance to marriage. Women would say that they are supportive, loving, and all that a man could want or need, yet, he won't marry her. When we begin dating a man, the expectation has to be clearly set, if you are ultimately looking for a husband, don't be afraid to say that. Don't sacrifice what you want for the sake of "being down", it will haunt you in the long run and you can bet your bottom dollar , he won't forget what you say initially and it will come up. What are some deal breakers? If the man steps out on you with another woman, and this is unacceptable don't stay with him and keep fighting about it and bringing it up. If you decide to stay with him, forgive him and move on. If you can't forgive him, end the relationship and move on, this is a huge reason so many relationships are in a miserable place.  Stop giving a man who is merely a boyfriend all the benefits that you would give your husband. You give no incentive for a man to take the big step to marry you. If you are having sex with him, co-habitating with him, washing his clothes, etc...right now, what is the urgency for this man to marry you. Women take responsibility for what is happening in the relationships that we are in, you can have the relationship you want but, it's up to you to set the standards. If you don't want a guy that smokes, then don't start dating one thinking that you will change him. That's another big mistake, we date a man thinking we will eventually change all the things we don't like about him and end up miserable because, he is who he is. Here's a tip, when dating already know what things you can compromise on also, know what you won't  accept and don't waver on it. Religion, promiscuity, lying, work ethics, abuse, and disrespect for example are things that shouldn't be compromised. Women we have to wake up, if it doesn't make you happy now, chances are it won't make you happy in the future. There is someone for everyone and yes, relationships are work, but, if you don't have the right ingredients in the beginning it becomes less likely that things will get better. My sisters don't be afraid to wait, don't be afraid to be single, in the long run it will be well worth the wait.

"THE GREEN EYED MONSTER"

Women are often plagued when it comes to possessions and relationships by jealousy. I was in the mall the other day and as I walked pass a couple, the woman gave me a look of such hatred. I smiled and said, "Hello" then kept it moving. What was this woman's problem? I had never seen her before a day in my life but, the way she looked at me, you would have thought that, I had done the ultimate wrong to her. What is it with women when they see a good looking woman in the vicinity of their mate? Is it insecurity? Her husband looked at me but, he didn't stare. After talking to a variety of different women and doing some research, I've come to the conclusion that this is a sign of jealousy. This woman had no reason to feel as if I was in competition with her. What jealousy causes us to do is to create a scenario in our mind that doesn't even exist or because of past let downs, see every person as a potential problem. We have to stop it. There are many beautiful women on the planet so if every time we are with our mate, we see an attractive woman are we suppose to feel inferior? What is that saying about us? Confidence is a very wonderful thing to have. We have to start building ourselves up. Dressing up, wearing a little make up, or buying a nice perfume. If you don't feel good about your looks, do something different. We are all beautiful in our own way. You can take the green-eyed monster, jealousy out by declaring things about yourself that are wonderful. Start today by noticing the beauty that lies within you. You are a bombshell, just be you.

"IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT COUNT"

In the world we live in today, where status seems to mean everything, I think we have some how lost touch of how much "little" things mean. Everyone is so busy trying to keep up with their neigbors or what we see on tv, that we've forgotten how good it actually feels to be kind. Simple gestures as holding the door open for the person behind you or letting someone over in traffic. When was the last time that you did something for someone just because? There is so much going on in the world today, simply watching the news can cause your heart to be heavy. Take some time out to sit down as a family for dinner, walk your kids to the door and pray with them before they head out for school. Help your neighbor rake their leaves. You would be suprised at what a kind gesture could do for someone who is down. Remember it doesn't cost you anything to make a difference in someone's life. So let's get to work.

"RESCUE ME"

In April 2004, I was riding down the highway and my car was hit by another vehicle that was going 20 over the speed limit. The force of the crash spun my car around and forced me into the wall at full force, the airbag deployed and burned my face and my eyes. The impact left an imprint of the seatbelt in my chest. When I look back at how I was living my life, I knew who God was but, I didn't have a relationship with him. I knew what prayer was but, I never talked to God and rarely thanked him. Then on impact, when that car hit me and my truck began to spin I began to call on the Lord, it was as if everything was moving in slow motion, the car spun from the second lane of a four lane highway to the shoulder and into the wall without being hit by another car. By the Grace of God, my life was spared. I learned an important lesson that night, God is always there, he loves you and he wants to save you. As I  grew in my relationship with Him over the past 7 years I've even learned more from this accident, if I had been actively pursuing and nuturing my relationship with Christ, that entire accident could have been blocked. I am not the Captain of my own life, nor do I want to be, I trust God to be in TOTAL control of my life. You see God was always there even though I had taken detours in my life when I called on The Name of THe LOrd he was waiting for me. I now know that God is not my life jacket waiting to rescue me, but he is The Captain of my sea.

" DEADBEATS NEED LOVE TOO"

I was talking to a group of single parents, they were complaing about their children's other parent and although they were probaly telling truth, I watched as their children sat attentively holding on to their every word. In the bible the 1st commandment that comes with a promise from God is to "Honor thy Mother and Father". On a daily basis I see children who talk back, who are disobedient, and who have NO respect for their parents. My question is what part does parents play in this? As parents of course, we want the best for our children, so we have to be careful what we are allowing our children to see us doing or hear us saying. We should no longer say," do as I say,not what I do", we need to be REAL examples of how we expect our children to behave. Even when dealing with an absent parent or a non-supportive parent, we should be telling the children to Honor and respect that parent because that's what the Word of God commands our children to do. This is so that their days may be long on the earth. Don't get so caught up in the hurt that you are feeling that you participate in your child going against God's commandment. We have to stop having grown up conversations in front of and with our Children, regardless, to whether the co-parent is actually involved in upbring of the children. It is our duty to make sure that your children respect and reverence that parent. The Word of God doesn't say " Honor thy mother and father" if they take care of you. It says that period!!! Today I ask that we watch what we say in front of our children, that we remind our children of this commandment. Don't allow your disappointment in someone to cause you to keep your child from keeping this commandment. Love your child enough to encourage them to love the other  parent inspite of the circumstances.

"WHEN IT'S TIME TO OPT OUT"

I was at a local supermarket and saw a couple arguing as they got into their vehicle. The man was yelling and cursing and the woman's face was filled with terror as she looked around to see if anyone was paying attention. As she began to back up, he lifted his hand and smacked her across her face. My heart dropped.  I sat in my car as I watched them drive away and all sorts of questions raced through my mind. When did this relationship become abusive? Of course, at some point this relationship had to be good. Why was she still there? Would she leave him today? Will I see her someday in the news as a victim or will she snap and end up hurting him? Thousands of women and men are physically abused by a partner each day and if you are one of these women, you must put an end to it now. Love doesnot hurt. Don't be flattered by a possessive or jealous mate, that's a red flag. Volatile relationships aren't the norm and we should never be on the giving or receiving end of abuse whether mental or physical. It is up to us to decide what we will take in a relationship. You are worth being in a relationship with someone who protects you and builds you up. If you and your mate can't disagree without physically hurting one another, it is time to end it. There are programs and places for victims of domestic violence. You must choose to let go of all unhealty relationships. There is someone out there that will love you, cherish you, and adore you. Hitting is not a form of affection and if it happens once chances are more likely than not that it will happen again. If you or someone you know are being abused please contact me @ ladymelissaewest@yahoo.com. End the cycle today by getting help.

"NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT"

What do you want out of your life? Do you long for a new house, a car, or perhaps, a better job? Have you set a plan on how you will obtain your greatest desire? Have you convinced yourself that you will never be able to get this or do you believe that you will be able to do what is needed to obtain this desire? Life is not chance driven, it is purpose driven. We have to know that we can get to our destination but, we have to be on the right road, we have to have a working GPS, with a full powered battery. We can do this by reading the bible and by spending time alone with God. He will guide you and take you exactly where he intends for you to go and even though there may be detours, he's right there guiding you. How silly would it be for you to get in the car and just drive without a destination? Would it make sense to be going somewhere you have never been but, not ask for direction? Before we were born God has a purpose for us, a destination for our lives. It is our choice to continue working on our dreams, to never give up. You may need some assitance along the way but, just remember that your GPS(GOD the PROBLEM SOLVER) is right there when you need him!! Stay focused, keep pushing..YOU CAN DO IT!!!